Fear and College
The morning air was brisk in Lubbock, Texas on the 28th of August 2018. I was up at 5 am for a flight back to family I hadnât seen in years. I boarded a United flight that was ready for take off at 7:30. Fours hours later my life completely changed. I found myself in the arms of my mother and family again, I found myself waking up the next day wearing a pair of jeans and vans, I found I didnât have to reach for that little black and white tag anymore. Yes, that time was upâââbut my next step was in front of me and it was a step right into the dark.
The months in front of me were marked by uncertainty and change, plenty of change. The biggest and baddest being the front steps of Brigham Young University. I knew in general where I was going but that wasnât much of a help to my anxiety. The other thing was, I didnât have much time to think about it either. I got home on a Wednesday and Thursday morning I found myself walking through the Wilkinson center on BYU campus. I received a ID card, a class schedule and a mediocre tour of the campus. What I didnât receive was the reassurance that I knew what would be happening on that next Monday when I would be stepping on campus for the fall 2018 semester.
A fear is described as that unpleasant feeling that something bad is going to happen, something likely to cause danger or pain, etc. We often hear of âfear of the futureâ or of âfear of missing outâ. For me, I would say I had a bad case of âfear of the unknownâ. What was college? For years I had dreamed of attending Brigham Youngâââit had been my academic and spiritual goal and now was the time to dive right in. The only thing was the diving board seemed miles high.
Just as all dates do, the date came for me to start at BYU. I woke up, threw on some clothes I thought that girls would like, ate a semi-nutritional breakfast, grabbed my 30 lb bag and hopped on the UTA Frontrunner and waited, listening to music as the train speed down to Provo.
As I walked up the stairs on the south side of campus the sun it my face and it was bright and beautiful, until I made it to the top where I started panting and tried to catch my breath after climbing, what seemed to be Mount Everest. Now was the test, where were my classes? Everyone else seemed to know where they were goingâââwhy not me?
The hours passed, some days tooâââbut one thing stayed: the fear. It changed, the fear of the unknown became the fear of knowing the unknown. The worry turned from not knowing what to do but rather, what to be. There were 30,000 faces around me and they all seemed so great: so smart, so talented, so pretty. But me? I was scaredâââhow could I compete with these people? How would I ever be any more than a number on an ID?
What I didnât realize was that the other faces, they were scared too. They didnât know who they were or what to do. It was like we were all in the same boat, called the S.S.BYU.
The fall 2018 semester could be called the âfall of fearâ, but I think I will call it the âfall of facing fearâ. This is what I did. I stepped on campus played some good music in my ears and I walked with my head up. I tried to smile even when i didnât want too. I studied like a mad man. I told lonely to back off and I spoke up. It was like one of those stories from a bookâââexcept real.
I didnât come out haven beaten a dragonâââIâm still fighting him. I didnât come out with a princess brideâââIâm still looking for her. But, I did come out bruised, I came out a little broken, and most importantlyâââI came out better.
Iâm better than I was four months ago and that tells me something about fear. Itâs not always about overcoming fear, I think itâs more about facing it. Itâs about doing it anyways, despite what anyone saysâââincluding yourself. Fear is hard. Fear can be fatal. Anticipation can stop the strongest man or woman from doing what they want. Choose today to pick faith over fear. Acknowledge fear, make sure he knows you know he is thereâââthen go for it. Step out, onto the field, in front of the crowd, next to the girl or even just into your next class. Fear will always be around but so will faith. Who will you follow?
As for me, the semester begins to end and the bell will ring on round one of BYU. I came into a fight a bit afraid and a little overwhelmed but now I say let round two begin! Iâve got family, friends, and faith in my corner and thats all IÂ need.
Itâs been said âthe only thing we have to fear is fear itselfâ. I donât. I donât fear fear. Fear is a part of life and itâs a great part of it. Itâs that feeling before something great is going to happen, that feeling before you win the day, the feeling before you finally find your way. What would life be without fear? Mine would be mundane, no chance for growth, no chance for greatness. Just hiding from the fear of the unknown.
Let the bell ring, round two begin. I can tell you Iâll be back again. Standing tall and facing my fear.